Friday, July 22, 2011
Home
We are home. I'm hoping to get a chance to write about the last few days, but not a whole lot of free time lately. Rachel is a champ!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
What a long strange trip it's been
We have a daughter and she is awesome. It's been an insane day and I'm not sure I can put into words things the way they should be expressed. It was beautiful, disgusting, exhausting, and thrilling all at the same time. this family needs some sleep! Thanks for all the well wishes. Things are perfect!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Two words just heard:
"stubborn cervix"
At hospital, water has broken, but looking to be a long night. I'm guessing nothing until tomorrow. And the nurses are clearly not amused by me. But in my defense, asking Rachel if the urine sample on the counter was hers was a really dumb question.
At hospital, water has broken, but looking to be a long night. I'm guessing nothing until tomorrow. And the nurses are clearly not amused by me. But in my defense, asking Rachel if the urine sample on the counter was hers was a really dumb question.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Random Tip of the Day
If you are at a parade where they throw candy to the crowd, and you want candy, don't stand next to kids. Unless you're willing to throw elbows.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Well?!?!?!
Well..... Nothing. Less than a week away from our due date, and it's looking like it will be a full-termer, if not more. But my work threw me a shower yesterday that was totally unexpected. It went really well, except for the part where I opened the bag of items called "Dad's Survival Kit" that included stuff like a can of red bull, earplugs, and a clothespin for my nose for use when changing diapers (I guess). It also included safety glasses and rubber gloves, which apparently are also for use when changing diapers. However, when I opened these, I jokingly asked "are these for the birth?" which, to most of the people there, was not a work-appropriate joke. So baby poop and throwing parties celebrating the fact that I knocked up my wife are okay, but wanting to remain goop-free during birth isn't. Got it.
In the meantime, feel free to watch this to pass the time as baby-watch continues.
In the meantime, feel free to watch this to pass the time as baby-watch continues.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Born Near the 4th of July?
Throughout the weekend, I couldn't help thinking how wrong humans tend to be. For example, working chronologically backwards, here are 16 random things that people used to think:
16) LeBron James is the best basketball player on earth, and a really nice guy
15) It's probably a good idea to buy MySpace for $545 million
14) Global warming is coming.... we are all going to die!
13) It's possible to win a war against "terror". I mean, look how soundly we won the war on drugs.
12) Milli Vanilli were really good singers
11) There's a hole in the ozone layer.... we are all going to die!
10) Disco Rules
9) It's probably a good idea to give a bunch of rebels in the desert guns, ammo and training so they can rise up against their current government. No way this will come back to haunt us.
8) The next ice age is coming.... we are all going to die!
7) It's possible to win a war on drugs. I mean, look how well prohibition worked.
6) That Hitler fellow is the man of the month.... nay, the man of the year!
5) Liberace is quite the ladies man
4) Oh, you're sick? Let's just throw a bunch of leeches on you, and they will suck the bad blood out of you and you'll be feeling great in no time!
3) The world is flat and the sun rotates around the earth.
2) These dinosaurs will roam the earth forever.
1) There probably won't be any repercussions from eating this apple from the forbidden tree.
Even today, Rachel became convinced that she will be pregnant forever, even though the due date is still two weeks away.
I think about these things a lot, especially on days like July 4th, as we celebrate our independence and freedom, rarely stopping to wonder if our forefathers had any idea what they were doing when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. If we as humans are wrong so often, what makes them so right?
I guess the fact that I can spend the day grilling out, listening to music, being with family and friends and generally doing whatever I want answers the question for me. Let's just hope that Rachel is more like the rest of humanity and less like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Herbie Hancock, as I'm ready to meet this kid!
16) LeBron James is the best basketball player on earth, and a really nice guy
15) It's probably a good idea to buy MySpace for $545 million
14) Global warming is coming.... we are all going to die!
13) It's possible to win a war against "terror". I mean, look how soundly we won the war on drugs.
12) Milli Vanilli were really good singers
11) There's a hole in the ozone layer.... we are all going to die!
10) Disco Rules
9) It's probably a good idea to give a bunch of rebels in the desert guns, ammo and training so they can rise up against their current government. No way this will come back to haunt us.
8) The next ice age is coming.... we are all going to die!
7) It's possible to win a war on drugs. I mean, look how well prohibition worked.
6) That Hitler fellow is the man of the month.... nay, the man of the year!
5) Liberace is quite the ladies man
4) Oh, you're sick? Let's just throw a bunch of leeches on you, and they will suck the bad blood out of you and you'll be feeling great in no time!
3) The world is flat and the sun rotates around the earth.
2) These dinosaurs will roam the earth forever.
1) There probably won't be any repercussions from eating this apple from the forbidden tree.
Even today, Rachel became convinced that she will be pregnant forever, even though the due date is still two weeks away.
I think about these things a lot, especially on days like July 4th, as we celebrate our independence and freedom, rarely stopping to wonder if our forefathers had any idea what they were doing when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. If we as humans are wrong so often, what makes them so right?
I guess the fact that I can spend the day grilling out, listening to music, being with family and friends and generally doing whatever I want answers the question for me. Let's just hope that Rachel is more like the rest of humanity and less like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Herbie Hancock, as I'm ready to meet this kid!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tips For Guys Who Are New At This
When people find out your wife is pregnant and say congratulations, apparently it is NOT funny to say "Thanks, I just hope its mine".... especially if you are meeting these people for the first time. The more you know.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Things Actually Said in Breastfeeding Class
So breastfeeding class is over, meaning we are now done with all classes and apparently ready to raise a kid. I'm not sure if we just had a really bad teacher or what, but this class was pretty awful from start to finish. Roughly 75% of the time was product placement ("We recommend Ameda breast pumps", "Did you know you can purchase your very own Ameda breast pump for 10% off if you buy today?" and "Ameda breast pumps have been clinically proven to cure rickets"), 15% of the time was spent passing around nipple shields, nursing bras and ointments of various color, and the remaining 10% of the time was spent watching really detailed animations of how the Adema breast pumps work and why they are superior to all other pumps. I always thought that the actual birth would be the biggest strain on Rachel's body, but after seeing those videos I thank my lucky stars that I am unable to lactate. Never knew nipples were so elastic!
(Also, was it racist that when passing out baby dolls to each mother-to-be, the teacher made a special trip to the baby closet to ensure that the one black couple in class got a black doll? I say yes.)
I think the real problem is that you can learn as much as possible about breastfeeding in a classroom environment in about 6 minutes, yet the class was extended out to 2.5 hours (literally) to justify the enrollment fee. This caused the teacher to tell random stories about her personal life unrelated to breastfeeding and generally babble aimlessly. And even when she actually attempted to talk about breastfeeding, she would say confusing things like "Grab your your breast like you would a sandwich" and "be sure to position your child to the southwest quadrant."
So really, we're just hoping that instincts kick in, because I feel even less prepared for breastfeeding than I did before class.
(Also, was it racist that when passing out baby dolls to each mother-to-be, the teacher made a special trip to the baby closet to ensure that the one black couple in class got a black doll? I say yes.)
I think the real problem is that you can learn as much as possible about breastfeeding in a classroom environment in about 6 minutes, yet the class was extended out to 2.5 hours (literally) to justify the enrollment fee. This caused the teacher to tell random stories about her personal life unrelated to breastfeeding and generally babble aimlessly. And even when she actually attempted to talk about breastfeeding, she would say confusing things like "Grab your your breast like you would a sandwich" and "be sure to position your child to the southwest quadrant."
So really, we're just hoping that instincts kick in, because I feel even less prepared for breastfeeding than I did before class.
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Great Unknowns
Ten things I hope I'll never have to explain to Zia (in no particular order):
1) Why it's colder on the top of mountains. If you can get sunburned at low elevations, how can it possibly be colder the closer you get to the heat source that burns you at sea level? Thin air, schmin air, that makes no sense.
4) Why there are 7 girls in your class named "Nevaeh", and why none of their moms can drink legally.
10) The Black Eyed Peas.
3) Why old people are so concerned with the weather.
7) How you were conceived.
9) What would happen if our neighbor somehow DIDN'T cut his grass every 3 days.
2) Calculus.
8) How U.S. soldiers can be stationed in foreign countries and be getting killed every day, yet we are not at war because "Combat Operations" are over
6) Who Tyler Perry is and why he has 57 TV shows.
5) How I got your mom to go out with me in the first place (rhymes with "begging constantly").
1) Why it's colder on the top of mountains. If you can get sunburned at low elevations, how can it possibly be colder the closer you get to the heat source that burns you at sea level? Thin air, schmin air, that makes no sense.
4) Why there are 7 girls in your class named "Nevaeh", and why none of their moms can drink legally.
10) The Black Eyed Peas.
3) Why old people are so concerned with the weather.
7) How you were conceived.
9) What would happen if our neighbor somehow DIDN'T cut his grass every 3 days.
2) Calculus.
8) How U.S. soldiers can be stationed in foreign countries and be getting killed every day, yet we are not at war because "Combat Operations" are over
6) Who Tyler Perry is and why he has 57 TV shows.
5) How I got your mom to go out with me in the first place (rhymes with "begging constantly").
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
... Like it's hot
Zia is sitting noticeably lower today. Either gravity is stronger than usual lately, or the kid has dropped. We noticed this because Rachel's knees now bump her belly when she walks up steps. Makes sense I guess, as Zia is now the size of a watermelon. (speaking of, Rachel would the Kobayashi of a watermelon eating contest. She ate a watermelon the size of a Volkswagon in 4 minutes the other day.)
Also, the people at Babies R Us must think we are planning a really boring yet profitable heist because we frequently go into the store and take pictures of certain items, then leave without buying said items, but really we are just trying to figure exactly where we went wrong in the assembly process.
Also, the people at Babies R Us must think we are planning a really boring yet profitable heist because we frequently go into the store and take pictures of certain items, then leave without buying said items, but really we are just trying to figure exactly where we went wrong in the assembly process.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Premature Celebration
Much like the Miami Heat, I was guilty of premature celebration in terms of getting Zia's room ready. A while back I was strutting around like The Ladies' Man because I finished painting, not realizing that getting a room painted and all the paint out of my cornea was only step 1 of about 400 in terms of actually completing the room.
But, I think today, we are really, finally, 100% close to almost being done. We received some bitchin' paintings from the David Mills studio / Wall to Wall paintworks that are now hanging above what will be the changing table, once I finally convince my work to just direct deposit my paycheck to Babies R Us to save time. (Dave is taking his talents to Austin later this summer, so I'll have an excuse to hit up ACL finally!)
Pay no attention to the Asian baby in the other picture frame. Rachel assures me that our baby will indeed come out skinny, white and awkward, just like me.
Aside from the room, I have assembled just about every child's swing and stroller ever created. Either the items we are receiving are getting progressively harder to assemble or I am getting dumber, because for the first few items, I used all the parts, but lately if I find a place for over 60% of the pieces, I consider it a win. The most egregious example of my shoddy workmanship is the glider we have, where only 50% of the levers actually do anything.
(the lever you see on the right is purely cosmetic)
Rachel is still feeling and looking great. The doctor told us that even if she went into labor that day (which was last week), he wouldn't try to stop the pregnancy... I guess we are finally in the home stretch. So really, Zia could be born at any time now. That means that Rachel's water could break at any moment. Knowing that she could accidentally pee her pants and blame it on her water breaking has given Rachel a bit of a swagger lately.
As for me, well, as usual I don't have anything witty or exciting to say. I'm at a bit of a crossroads at work, having been offered a promotion I don't really want, with the alternative probably being that I won't have a job. "Up or out" is kind of dumb if you ask me... I'm perfectly content hovering. Rachel keeps telling me to find out what I want to do with my life, but unfortunately sitting around and playing with my kid doesn't pay that well. Sorry, this is getting a little facebook-y.... so here's 2 other pictures of the room to distract you from my pensiveness:
Hope everyone is doing well! One more month!
But, I think today, we are really, finally, 100% close to almost being done. We received some bitchin' paintings from the David Mills studio / Wall to Wall paintworks that are now hanging above what will be the changing table, once I finally convince my work to just direct deposit my paycheck to Babies R Us to save time. (Dave is taking his talents to Austin later this summer, so I'll have an excuse to hit up ACL finally!)
Pay no attention to the Asian baby in the other picture frame. Rachel assures me that our baby will indeed come out skinny, white and awkward, just like me.
Aside from the room, I have assembled just about every child's swing and stroller ever created. Either the items we are receiving are getting progressively harder to assemble or I am getting dumber, because for the first few items, I used all the parts, but lately if I find a place for over 60% of the pieces, I consider it a win. The most egregious example of my shoddy workmanship is the glider we have, where only 50% of the levers actually do anything.
Rachel is still feeling and looking great. The doctor told us that even if she went into labor that day (which was last week), he wouldn't try to stop the pregnancy... I guess we are finally in the home stretch. So really, Zia could be born at any time now. That means that Rachel's water could break at any moment. Knowing that she could accidentally pee her pants and blame it on her water breaking has given Rachel a bit of a swagger lately.
As for me, well, as usual I don't have anything witty or exciting to say. I'm at a bit of a crossroads at work, having been offered a promotion I don't really want, with the alternative probably being that I won't have a job. "Up or out" is kind of dumb if you ask me... I'm perfectly content hovering. Rachel keeps telling me to find out what I want to do with my life, but unfortunately sitting around and playing with my kid doesn't pay that well. Sorry, this is getting a little facebook-y.... so here's 2 other pictures of the room to distract you from my pensiveness:
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Real Letter to Zia
Dear Zia,
You are due in less than 6 weeks, and your mom and I wanted to take this opportunity to say hello and share with you some of our hopes and dreams for your life. Too bad you can't read yet and don't get in-womb internet.... shoot, should have thought of that first.... oh well, here goes anyway.
Right now you are the size of a large cantaloupe, and we can't wait to watch you grow each and every day. Your pregnancy has been surprisingly smooth for your mom... the worst things she's experienced so far have been when you sporadically decide to attack her rib cage and my awful jokes. But deep down, I think she enjoys them both.
We were extremely happy to find out that we were pregnant, and it was really tough keeping it a secret from our family for a few weeks. Our lives have definitely changed since the pregnancy. Now, when we stay home on the weekends, we have a built-in excuse and don't feel as lame as we once did. Unlike most parents, we are not going to lie to you and pretend that we were once cool. We never really were. (Although if it were a contest, I was much cooler than your mom).
It's tough to put into words how excited we are to meet you! There will be a lot of crazy family members pawing at you once you are born, but we're confident that as you get to know everyone, you will love them as much as we do. We won't spoil things for you by giving away too much, but your Aunt Alison is probably your best bet for a piece of gum.
It's crazy because we know virtually nothing about you or how you will turn out, but you are already our favorite human being in the world. I hope you have your mom's looks, and my self confidence. I hope you share her compassion for others, and my taste in music. We hope you have your own dreams and desires, but share our goal to become the first potty-trained 5 month old in history.
We hope you have a thirst for knowledge and learning, and that this takes you to a reasonably-affordable college that offers a lot in the way of scholarships, grants, and financial aid. We hope that you follow your heart when picking a career, but are wise enough to not be an English major. We hope you have a lot of diverse friends in your life, with whom you can share your passions, and one day hopefully be part of America's Best Dance Crew.
We hope that when you are old enough (mid 30's preferably), that you find someone to love and to share your life with. Trust us, it's a lot easier when you can take turns freaking out and always have someone at least pretending to be calm.
We also apologize in advance for any shortcomings we may have in the way we raise you. This is new to all of us, so let's just all agree to do our best, okay? We will do everything we can to make your life rewarding and comfortable. You can return the favor by trying to sleep during the night and peeing on us as infrequently as possible.
We hope you are as excited to meet us and we are to meet you! We can't promise that we will always say or do the right things, but we can promise that we will always love you and try to do what's best for you. The world is a crazy place at times, but there are joys and laughter to be had every day, and we can't wait to share them with you.
Love,
Mom and Dad
You are due in less than 6 weeks, and your mom and I wanted to take this opportunity to say hello and share with you some of our hopes and dreams for your life. Too bad you can't read yet and don't get in-womb internet.... shoot, should have thought of that first.... oh well, here goes anyway.
Right now you are the size of a large cantaloupe, and we can't wait to watch you grow each and every day. Your pregnancy has been surprisingly smooth for your mom... the worst things she's experienced so far have been when you sporadically decide to attack her rib cage and my awful jokes. But deep down, I think she enjoys them both.
We were extremely happy to find out that we were pregnant, and it was really tough keeping it a secret from our family for a few weeks. Our lives have definitely changed since the pregnancy. Now, when we stay home on the weekends, we have a built-in excuse and don't feel as lame as we once did. Unlike most parents, we are not going to lie to you and pretend that we were once cool. We never really were. (Although if it were a contest, I was much cooler than your mom).
It's tough to put into words how excited we are to meet you! There will be a lot of crazy family members pawing at you once you are born, but we're confident that as you get to know everyone, you will love them as much as we do. We won't spoil things for you by giving away too much, but your Aunt Alison is probably your best bet for a piece of gum.
It's crazy because we know virtually nothing about you or how you will turn out, but you are already our favorite human being in the world. I hope you have your mom's looks, and my self confidence. I hope you share her compassion for others, and my taste in music. We hope you have your own dreams and desires, but share our goal to become the first potty-trained 5 month old in history.
We hope you have a thirst for knowledge and learning, and that this takes you to a reasonably-affordable college that offers a lot in the way of scholarships, grants, and financial aid. We hope that you follow your heart when picking a career, but are wise enough to not be an English major. We hope you have a lot of diverse friends in your life, with whom you can share your passions, and one day hopefully be part of America's Best Dance Crew.
We hope that when you are old enough (mid 30's preferably), that you find someone to love and to share your life with. Trust us, it's a lot easier when you can take turns freaking out and always have someone at least pretending to be calm.
We also apologize in advance for any shortcomings we may have in the way we raise you. This is new to all of us, so let's just all agree to do our best, okay? We will do everything we can to make your life rewarding and comfortable. You can return the favor by trying to sleep during the night and peeing on us as infrequently as possible.
We hope you are as excited to meet us and we are to meet you! We can't promise that we will always say or do the right things, but we can promise that we will always love you and try to do what's best for you. The world is a crazy place at times, but there are joys and laughter to be had every day, and we can't wait to share them with you.
Love,
Mom and Dad
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Mime Preferences
Hello loyal followers! (yes, both of you). Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but honestly, not much has been happening. We have been continuing our classes, which mercifully are over now, except for the breastfeeding one sometime later in the month.
Shower #1 was a rousing success, so many thanks to all who came and especially those who helped plan and clean our house. (Did you notice how clean the tops of our ceiling fan blades were?) We have pretty much dug out from underneath the mountain of presents we got, and most of the stuff has been assembled, including a swing that has more safety restraints than your average NASA shuttle. I'm all for baby safety, but do we need 17 straps for a swing powered by 4 D batteries?
I was planning on providing more updates after each of the last two classes, but Rachel and I have been a little cranky after both of them, and I didn't want to spend 1,000 words on why I wanted to fight Dr. Ass and his wife. (but I could have easily, and I did). Dr. Ass and his wife got under my skin more than anyone ever has in my life, except of course the lady at the Passion of the Christ who kept asking who the guy wearing the thorns was. At one point, Dr. Ass suggested that women start putting some strange substance on their naughty bits (can't recall specifically what it was) to help prepare for labor. Then we went on a 10 minute break. When we got back, we were informed that the substance suggested by Dr. Ass should actually never come into contact with human skin, let alone that specific spot. Turns out he was confused and meant to say something else. No harm, no foul, right? Well, except for the two couples who left at break. Here's praying for a speedy recovery Shannon and Tina!
The one class was a ridiculously confusing tour of the hospital, which reinforced my original two step plan of 1: bring pregnant wife into emergency room and 2: ask where to go. Then last night's class was how to care for your child, which was helpful I guess (turns out shaking a baby is bad!), but did we really need to bathe a plastic baby with real water? This might have been the one and only situation in my life where I would have preferred mime. But hey, it's over. We learned some things, we laughed at times, and we now no longer have to make small talk with our classmates, so win, win, win.
As for Zia (or Reggie), our lil' bastard is now the size of a pineapple at roughly 4.9 pounds, which made me realize that I had no idea how much a pineapple weighs. Rachel is being a trooper as always, rarely complaining about anything, with the exception of me leaving my milk glasses in the living room, which is unrelated to pregnancy so we'll let that slide.
So, hope all is well with all of you folks. We are less than 7 weeks away!
Shower #1 was a rousing success, so many thanks to all who came and especially those who helped plan and clean our house. (Did you notice how clean the tops of our ceiling fan blades were?) We have pretty much dug out from underneath the mountain of presents we got, and most of the stuff has been assembled, including a swing that has more safety restraints than your average NASA shuttle. I'm all for baby safety, but do we need 17 straps for a swing powered by 4 D batteries?
I was planning on providing more updates after each of the last two classes, but Rachel and I have been a little cranky after both of them, and I didn't want to spend 1,000 words on why I wanted to fight Dr. Ass and his wife. (but I could have easily, and I did). Dr. Ass and his wife got under my skin more than anyone ever has in my life, except of course the lady at the Passion of the Christ who kept asking who the guy wearing the thorns was. At one point, Dr. Ass suggested that women start putting some strange substance on their naughty bits (can't recall specifically what it was) to help prepare for labor. Then we went on a 10 minute break. When we got back, we were informed that the substance suggested by Dr. Ass should actually never come into contact with human skin, let alone that specific spot. Turns out he was confused and meant to say something else. No harm, no foul, right? Well, except for the two couples who left at break. Here's praying for a speedy recovery Shannon and Tina!
The one class was a ridiculously confusing tour of the hospital, which reinforced my original two step plan of 1: bring pregnant wife into emergency room and 2: ask where to go. Then last night's class was how to care for your child, which was helpful I guess (turns out shaking a baby is bad!), but did we really need to bathe a plastic baby with real water? This might have been the one and only situation in my life where I would have preferred mime. But hey, it's over. We learned some things, we laughed at times, and we now no longer have to make small talk with our classmates, so win, win, win.
As for Zia (or Reggie), our lil' bastard is now the size of a pineapple at roughly 4.9 pounds, which made me realize that I had no idea how much a pineapple weighs. Rachel is being a trooper as always, rarely complaining about anything, with the exception of me leaving my milk glasses in the living room, which is unrelated to pregnancy so we'll let that slide.
So, hope all is well with all of you folks. We are less than 7 weeks away!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Contributing to the Overpopulation Problem
Congrats to Pat and Sabrina for the birth of their daughter Anna Kimberly on Friday! Can't wait to meet her. And congrats to Rachel for waiting a whole 17 hours before hogging baby time with Anna.
Today is shower number 1 at Casa de Zia. Good luck ladies!
Today is shower number 1 at Casa de Zia. Good luck ladies!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Things Our Parents Never Said
"I need to finish ripping these tunes and load them onto Zia's ipod."
Yesterday marked my 5 year anniversary with my current employer, and as a token of the company's appreciation for showing up almost every day and pretending to do work while frantically refreshing espn.com, I got to choose a gift from a catalog. I went with an mp3 player so we could load it up with lullabies and reggae to create a peaceful and womb-like atmosphere for Zia. Although if we were really creating a womb-like atmosphere, we'd have to find a way to pipe in my voice randomly bellowing "Luke.... I am your faaaatttthhhhhher" and have the crib flooded with Franks Hot Sauce.
I was going to write a long diatribe here about how much the mp3 player sucks (it does) but didn't want to sound greedy for complaining about a free gift (it sucks a lot though). I guess the moral of the story is five years of work from me is equal in value to a mp3 player you could buy at a Dollar Store. Which looking back, seems about right.
We loaded a bunch of the Rockabye Lullaby songs onto the mp3 player. These are the ones where they take pop music, remove the words and redo them "lullaby style" which appears to mean "more xylophone". After one or two listens these are kind of quirky and catchy. I'm just thinking it will be strange to be rocking Zia to sleep while singing along to "Another One Bites the Dust" from the Queen one or singing about blasting fools from the Wu Tang one. But in any event, I tend to worry about the strangest things related to Zia's birth. The mp3 player for whatever reason was really high on my list of things we needed to do. Now that we are done with that, I can focus my energy on what is clearly the most pressing issue: light switch covers for the room (or perhaps what damage I may be doing to our child if it turns out to be a boy yet I have constantly referred to him as female named Zia..... either way)
Yesterday marked my 5 year anniversary with my current employer, and as a token of the company's appreciation for showing up almost every day and pretending to do work while frantically refreshing espn.com, I got to choose a gift from a catalog. I went with an mp3 player so we could load it up with lullabies and reggae to create a peaceful and womb-like atmosphere for Zia. Although if we were really creating a womb-like atmosphere, we'd have to find a way to pipe in my voice randomly bellowing "Luke.... I am your faaaatttthhhhhher" and have the crib flooded with Franks Hot Sauce.
I was going to write a long diatribe here about how much the mp3 player sucks (it does) but didn't want to sound greedy for complaining about a free gift (it sucks a lot though). I guess the moral of the story is five years of work from me is equal in value to a mp3 player you could buy at a Dollar Store. Which looking back, seems about right.
We loaded a bunch of the Rockabye Lullaby songs onto the mp3 player. These are the ones where they take pop music, remove the words and redo them "lullaby style" which appears to mean "more xylophone". After one or two listens these are kind of quirky and catchy. I'm just thinking it will be strange to be rocking Zia to sleep while singing along to "Another One Bites the Dust" from the Queen one or singing about blasting fools from the Wu Tang one. But in any event, I tend to worry about the strangest things related to Zia's birth. The mp3 player for whatever reason was really high on my list of things we needed to do. Now that we are done with that, I can focus my energy on what is clearly the most pressing issue: light switch covers for the room (or perhaps what damage I may be doing to our child if it turns out to be a boy yet I have constantly referred to him as female named Zia..... either way)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Quotes from a Pregnant Woman
Me: "You're yelling at me."
Rachel: "Yes"
Me: "Why?"
Rachel: "I don't know. So there."
Rachel: "Yes"
Me: "Why?"
Rachel: "I don't know. So there."
Sunday, May 15, 2011
And the winner is....
The winner for worst state in the US is: Pennsylvania! Aside from the perpetual construction and intermittent rain, Pennsylvania is also the home of the nations frumpiest rest areas and most NASCAR decals per capita. This flyover state also boasts a wonderful array of radio selections, including 1) country music 2) religious talk 3) country music with religious themes and 4) static. So if you ever want to feel better about the state you live in, go visit Pennsylvania, the ugly friend that Ohio, West Virginia and New York hang out with so they look hotter.
Rachel and I completed what will probably the last road trip of substance before the kid is born, and it went surprisingly well considering Rachel has a bladder the size of a gnat, and now Zia is sitting firmly on said bladder. We had a lot of laughs creating off-color songs about our hatred for Pennsylvania while visiting every rest stop we passed, and whittling our list of baby names down to the same 3 we started with. Also, little tip for the summer road trippers, while flip flops may be a comfortable alternative to shoes in the car, flip flops and rest stops are not a good combination!
Rachel and I completed what will probably the last road trip of substance before the kid is born, and it went surprisingly well considering Rachel has a bladder the size of a gnat, and now Zia is sitting firmly on said bladder. We had a lot of laughs creating off-color songs about our hatred for Pennsylvania while visiting every rest stop we passed, and whittling our list of baby names down to the same 3 we started with. Also, little tip for the summer road trippers, while flip flops may be a comfortable alternative to shoes in the car, flip flops and rest stops are not a good combination!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Quotes from a Pregnant Woman
"I don't think I'm going to go tonight because I don't want to wear clothes."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Quotes from a Pregnant Woman
While taking a walk around the block: "I like that the weather is so nice, but kind of hate that everyone is so friendly."
Class, Part II
Day 2 of class is over, and I managed to not unswallow my lunch while watching the birthing scenes. This was due solely to my ability to appear to be watching the videos when in reality I was trying to calculate how many square inches there are between the top of the screen and the ceiling. So I think I successful passed test 1 of impending fatherhood, as Rachel has tentatively agreed to let me in the room when Zia is born.
Rachel and I never really considered any hippie alternative birth scenarios, mainly because we embrace this strange concept called logic. For example, home births. If you are giving birth in your home and something goes wrong, where do they take you? The hospital. Case closed. But anyway, even if we weren't already completely sold on this modern witchcraft called "doctors" and "hospitals", last night's videos would have sealed the deal. One of the women giving birth hired a doula, which is Latin for "woman with unshaven pits that annoys the nurses and rubs your back when pregnant" and is pronounced "weyst of muhn-ee". Anyway, after the birth, the doula picks up the placenta, holds it up to the light, and shows everyone in the room while saying "isn't this cool?!?!?" No, that is disgusting. Please put down the afterbirth and stop talking.
There is a couple in our class that I have grown to dislike immensely in our short time together. I was starting to get annoyed a bit because regardless of what the instructor says, they have a question. This makes class even longer than it already is, and really, what confusion could their possibly be when the instructor says "we will take a 10 minute break. Be back in 10 minutes"????? But, yesterday, after 4 or 5 games worth of 20 questions, we learn that this guy is not only a doctor, but a doctor that delivers babies for a living. So this guy is either a really horrible doctor and knows less than the volunteer teacher at the community college, or he is asking questions he already knows the answer to. Either way, he has to go. Next class, I am calling for a vote for kicking these people out.
But there was one important thing that we did learn between Dr. Jack Ass's inane questions: it is recommended that mother and baby bond together for the first 80 minutes of the kids life. So although I was joking about the 5 day waiting period for people to hold our kid (ok, I wasn't joking but Rachel overruled me), there will in fact be an 80 minute waiting period. We are trying to figure out if we should just not tell people that labor has begun until 80 minutes after the kid is born, or tell everyone immediately and let the 2 Grandmas and Aunt Sandy maul each other in the waiting room.
And Zia is now the size of a head of lettuce!
Rachel and I never really considered any hippie alternative birth scenarios, mainly because we embrace this strange concept called logic. For example, home births. If you are giving birth in your home and something goes wrong, where do they take you? The hospital. Case closed. But anyway, even if we weren't already completely sold on this modern witchcraft called "doctors" and "hospitals", last night's videos would have sealed the deal. One of the women giving birth hired a doula, which is Latin for "woman with unshaven pits that annoys the nurses and rubs your back when pregnant" and is pronounced "weyst of muhn-ee". Anyway, after the birth, the doula picks up the placenta, holds it up to the light, and shows everyone in the room while saying "isn't this cool?!?!?" No, that is disgusting. Please put down the afterbirth and stop talking.
There is a couple in our class that I have grown to dislike immensely in our short time together. I was starting to get annoyed a bit because regardless of what the instructor says, they have a question. This makes class even longer than it already is, and really, what confusion could their possibly be when the instructor says "we will take a 10 minute break. Be back in 10 minutes"????? But, yesterday, after 4 or 5 games worth of 20 questions, we learn that this guy is not only a doctor, but a doctor that delivers babies for a living. So this guy is either a really horrible doctor and knows less than the volunteer teacher at the community college, or he is asking questions he already knows the answer to. Either way, he has to go. Next class, I am calling for a vote for kicking these people out.
But there was one important thing that we did learn between Dr. Jack Ass's inane questions: it is recommended that mother and baby bond together for the first 80 minutes of the kids life. So although I was joking about the 5 day waiting period for people to hold our kid (ok, I wasn't joking but Rachel overruled me), there will in fact be an 80 minute waiting period. We are trying to figure out if we should just not tell people that labor has begun until 80 minutes after the kid is born, or tell everyone immediately and let the 2 Grandmas and Aunt Sandy maul each other in the waiting room.
And Zia is now the size of a head of lettuce!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Squash and dirty phonecalls
Day one of class was Tuesday, and luckily it was rather uneventful. Uneventful meaning we did not have to watch any videos of live births. Unfortunately, that changes next week, when we will have to watch three (3!) live births. Now, call me unmanly if you will, say I'm a wuss, whatever, but I'm just as Baby Jesus made me, and I know my limits. I know that being subjected to 3 videos translates into a roughly 105% chance that I will end up puking violently during class next week (+/- 5%). To avoid this, I thought it would be a good idea to just pretend I got a phone call and have to leave the room when the videos start. Rachel however, did not share my enthusiasm for this idea, and refuses to budge from her "you WILL be in the room when those videos play" platform. To be perfectly clear, I asked "so in your book, me throwing up in a roomful of people is preferable to me pretending to be rude and taking a fake phone call and avoiding the vomiting?" To which she immediately replied "Absolutely. You WILL be in the room during the videos, and if you throw up, well, you'll just have to live with the shame."
So needless to say, if any of my classmates are reading this, sit FAAAAAARRRR away from me on Tuesday.
The rest of class consisted of 1) icebreakers, 2) anatomically correct diagrams that made me giggle, and 3) meditation techniques. First, icebreakers... turns out I am ok with ice that is unbroken. The icebreaker here was to interview another couple then introduce them to the rest of the class. No offense, but I really don't need to know that Connie's favorite movie is "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" or that Ted has an extensive Lego Castle collection. Although, during icebreakers, we did learn that one guy in the class was clearly a drug dealer. The poor kid who interviewed him was like "Johnny is.... uh.... self employed..... he.... uh, well, he..... he repackages products for sale.... and anyway, he's self-employed."
For part 2, the diagrams, it went about as expected considering I have the maturity of a 4th grader.
And finally, meditation techniques: could have been helpful, had the instructor NOT used a deep, breathy voice that made the exercise sound like a really confusing obscene phone call. "Go to your special place... open the gate to your special place... thrust your mind into and out of your special place....." Still, as this was at the end of the class, I was able to relax a little bit. Rachel, for some unknown reason, found it hard to get comfortable and relax while laying on a hard floor while 30 weeks pregnant.
All in all I give class number one a B+ because the only cervixes (cervices?) I saw were drawings.
And Zia continues to grow, and is now apparently the size of a butternut squash!
So needless to say, if any of my classmates are reading this, sit FAAAAAARRRR away from me on Tuesday.
The rest of class consisted of 1) icebreakers, 2) anatomically correct diagrams that made me giggle, and 3) meditation techniques. First, icebreakers... turns out I am ok with ice that is unbroken. The icebreaker here was to interview another couple then introduce them to the rest of the class. No offense, but I really don't need to know that Connie's favorite movie is "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" or that Ted has an extensive Lego Castle collection. Although, during icebreakers, we did learn that one guy in the class was clearly a drug dealer. The poor kid who interviewed him was like "Johnny is.... uh.... self employed..... he.... uh, well, he..... he repackages products for sale.... and anyway, he's self-employed."
For part 2, the diagrams, it went about as expected considering I have the maturity of a 4th grader.
And finally, meditation techniques: could have been helpful, had the instructor NOT used a deep, breathy voice that made the exercise sound like a really confusing obscene phone call. "Go to your special place... open the gate to your special place... thrust your mind into and out of your special place....." Still, as this was at the end of the class, I was able to relax a little bit. Rachel, for some unknown reason, found it hard to get comfortable and relax while laying on a hard floor while 30 weeks pregnant.
All in all I give class number one a B+ because the only cervixes (cervices?) I saw were drawings.
And Zia continues to grow, and is now apparently the size of a butternut squash!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Done!
After back-to-back night time paint sessions, the room is done! (Note to aspiring painters, your work will look a lot worse in the morning). Aside from a light green cornea, we are feeling great!
We also spent the morning assembling the crib and mobile. Strangely, the mobile was three times as hard to construct as the crib.
So, many many thanks to all who helped us get the room ready. Twas an eclectic cast of characters made up of friends, family and I'm pretty sure at least one Hell's Angel on our window crew, but we are all sorts of thankful and lucky to have such a great support team.
So, many many thanks to all who helped us get the room ready. Twas an eclectic cast of characters made up of friends, family and I'm pretty sure at least one Hell's Angel on our window crew, but we are all sorts of thankful and lucky to have such a great support team.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Paint
I have but two things to say about paint. 1) there are far too many options and 2) you might think it would be difficult to get paint on your cornea, but you would be wrong.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Procrastination is a Cruel Mistress
"I haven't even begun to procrastinate yet" used to be my motto, but now with an impending birth on the way, we are finding that procrastination is coming back to bite us. We have a colors for Zia's room picked out, a crib to be assembled, a dresser to be picked up and a ton of other items for the room, but I have procrastinated for too long and the room remains unpainted, among other things. Well no more! I'm going to spend the weekend getting this room painted! (after I watch the NFL draft that is).
Doctors appointments are becoming more frequent, yet remain equally boring. Last one was Monday, and we were in and out in about three minutes (+ 1 for me for not making the obvious joke here). Zia is more and more active each day, and kicked me in the face last week as I was talking to her, which was awesome. Rachel's maternity leave plan has been approved, and my paternity leave plan of just not showing up to work also appears to be on track.
And we start the classes Tuesday, and continue every Tuesday until our will to live is completely sucked dry, which should be at least one and a half classes. But, I'm feeling a bit more confident as I am halfway through what appears to be a good book on parenting (it says to play your kid reggae if they are fussy, and suggests taking naps in your car at work if you are tired.... two pretty airtight plans in my mind). I just need to get through the second half of the book and not forget the first half. Daycares are still playing hard to get, so we are starting to get a bit nervous.
Oh well, we can figure something out later.
Doctors appointments are becoming more frequent, yet remain equally boring. Last one was Monday, and we were in and out in about three minutes (+ 1 for me for not making the obvious joke here). Zia is more and more active each day, and kicked me in the face last week as I was talking to her, which was awesome. Rachel's maternity leave plan has been approved, and my paternity leave plan of just not showing up to work also appears to be on track.
And we start the classes Tuesday, and continue every Tuesday until our will to live is completely sucked dry, which should be at least one and a half classes. But, I'm feeling a bit more confident as I am halfway through what appears to be a good book on parenting (it says to play your kid reggae if they are fussy, and suggests taking naps in your car at work if you are tired.... two pretty airtight plans in my mind). I just need to get through the second half of the book and not forget the first half. Daycares are still playing hard to get, so we are starting to get a bit nervous.
Oh well, we can figure something out later.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Insomnia
Random thoughts caused by sleep deprivation:
I don't trust people that put a "read receipt" notice on their emails at work.
Random stores of America: stop trying to give me a plastic rewards card for my key chain. Giant Eagle has us all by the throat, and I'll live with the Petsmart one since my dog wants to eat every day, but pretty sure the perks from the Dollar Store Savers Club aren't worth it.
Pandora radio app: feel free to sell my info to advertisers. I'm not that exciting and pretty sure I'm immune to all ads anyway from the oversaturation.
I for one hope there is an NFL lock out this year. We either get replacement players and the Browns might have a chance, or we end up betting on the Lingerie League. Win win.
I bet Rachel would be mad if she knew how much time I actually spend thinking of ways to get Zia to like me more than her. Clearly I want Zia to like Rachel too, I just want to be the favorite. Karl likes me the best and it is awesome.
Watching the music industry shift due to digital, easily-traded media fascinates me. But I'm really tired of hearing how file sharing is ruining the record industry. First of all, boo-freaking-hoo. Second of all, it wasn't that long ago that you could get 10 cd's for a penny just by affixing the miniature stamps to the postcard that came in every magazine ever printed. Is the problem file-sharing, or the decline of the magazine industry? Hmmm....
(The 10 cds for a penny thing was supposed to be a joke, but now I really am stumped as to how the record industry ever made money in the first place. Was it the "then buy just one at regular price" part of the deal? Because I'm pretty sure I never bought a single cd at regular price and I joined every two weeks as a kid.)
Is it still called insomnia if you just wake up way too early and can't go back to sleep?
I don't trust people that put a "read receipt" notice on their emails at work.
Random stores of America: stop trying to give me a plastic rewards card for my key chain. Giant Eagle has us all by the throat, and I'll live with the Petsmart one since my dog wants to eat every day, but pretty sure the perks from the Dollar Store Savers Club aren't worth it.
Pandora radio app: feel free to sell my info to advertisers. I'm not that exciting and pretty sure I'm immune to all ads anyway from the oversaturation.
I for one hope there is an NFL lock out this year. We either get replacement players and the Browns might have a chance, or we end up betting on the Lingerie League. Win win.
I bet Rachel would be mad if she knew how much time I actually spend thinking of ways to get Zia to like me more than her. Clearly I want Zia to like Rachel too, I just want to be the favorite. Karl likes me the best and it is awesome.
Watching the music industry shift due to digital, easily-traded media fascinates me. But I'm really tired of hearing how file sharing is ruining the record industry. First of all, boo-freaking-hoo. Second of all, it wasn't that long ago that you could get 10 cd's for a penny just by affixing the miniature stamps to the postcard that came in every magazine ever printed. Is the problem file-sharing, or the decline of the magazine industry? Hmmm....
(The 10 cds for a penny thing was supposed to be a joke, but now I really am stumped as to how the record industry ever made money in the first place. Was it the "then buy just one at regular price" part of the deal? Because I'm pretty sure I never bought a single cd at regular price and I joined every two weeks as a kid.)
Is it still called insomnia if you just wake up way too early and can't go back to sleep?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Waiting...
On Monday, we officially move into the third trimester, and I have to say, thus far this has been a little too easy. Scarily so. To date, we've had no morning sickness, no weird cravings, and no emotional breakdowns. I was a little nervous about the last one, due primarily to a rousing monologue I received from a parent I know when we first announced the pregnancy:
"Oh you poor, poor sap. You have no idea what you are in for. You are probably strutting around thinking 'hey, this is great, my wife being pregnant means no PMS for 9 months!' and let me tell you, that is true. But unfortunately PMS crazy will be replaced by pregnancy crazy. And once you experience pregnancy crazy, you'll be BEGGING to go back to PMS crazy. PMS crazy is a kitten, and pregnancy crazy is what would happen if Mke Tyson snorted his body weight in crystal meth then mated with a snow leopard. So you enjoy your PMS-free 9 months, rookie. Just remember me when you are getting screamed at because there are too many ice cubes in your wife's drink."
So I really was expecting the worst, but it's been great thus far. We still have some work to do on Zia's room ("we" being everybody except us), but a lot of progress has been made and we may even be done this weekend if all goes our way. Most of the furniture has been ordered, and we registered for all the crap we probably don't need, so I think we are in good shape. The one unknown is which daycare Zia will be attending. Turns out it is easier to get into Harvard than a quality daycare. Not sure how to bribe these places (is booze inappropriate?), so if anyone has any suggestions on how to move up the waiting lists, please let me know.
There has also been some jockeying in the God Parent standings, some subtle, some not so subtle. Just remember, we can be bought!
So we are 2/3rds of way there, and so far its been smooth sailing. Maybe I am jinxing myself and the 3rd trimester will be a mess, but right now, we are just waiting...
"Oh you poor, poor sap. You have no idea what you are in for. You are probably strutting around thinking 'hey, this is great, my wife being pregnant means no PMS for 9 months!' and let me tell you, that is true. But unfortunately PMS crazy will be replaced by pregnancy crazy. And once you experience pregnancy crazy, you'll be BEGGING to go back to PMS crazy. PMS crazy is a kitten, and pregnancy crazy is what would happen if Mke Tyson snorted his body weight in crystal meth then mated with a snow leopard. So you enjoy your PMS-free 9 months, rookie. Just remember me when you are getting screamed at because there are too many ice cubes in your wife's drink."
So I really was expecting the worst, but it's been great thus far. We still have some work to do on Zia's room ("we" being everybody except us), but a lot of progress has been made and we may even be done this weekend if all goes our way. Most of the furniture has been ordered, and we registered for all the crap we probably don't need, so I think we are in good shape. The one unknown is which daycare Zia will be attending. Turns out it is easier to get into Harvard than a quality daycare. Not sure how to bribe these places (is booze inappropriate?), so if anyone has any suggestions on how to move up the waiting lists, please let me know.
There has also been some jockeying in the God Parent standings, some subtle, some not so subtle. Just remember, we can be bought!
So we are 2/3rds of way there, and so far its been smooth sailing. Maybe I am jinxing myself and the 3rd trimester will be a mess, but right now, we are just waiting...
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Passed!
Despite the 8 - 10 pounds of Laffy Taffy Rachel eats each day, she passed her gestational diabetes test!
Baby room preparations continue, but since the government is not shutting down after all, it's tax time today. Who is the IRS to tell me when I can claim Zia as a dependent? Zia was conceived in 2010, so I'm taking the credit.
And dear government, I'm not really much of a hippie, but given the problems in the U.S., maybe we should stop dropping billions of dollars in bombs on random countries when the fancy strikes us. Then perhaps my tax bill will be lower and I can finally upgrade my cell phone. I'm not a technology guy, but this is what I am currently rocking, so I think the time is now.
Baby room preparations continue, but since the government is not shutting down after all, it's tax time today. Who is the IRS to tell me when I can claim Zia as a dependent? Zia was conceived in 2010, so I'm taking the credit.
And dear government, I'm not really much of a hippie, but given the problems in the U.S., maybe we should stop dropping billions of dollars in bombs on random countries when the fancy strikes us. Then perhaps my tax bill will be lower and I can finally upgrade my cell phone. I'm not a technology guy, but this is what I am currently rocking, so I think the time is now.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Berfday
Happy Birthday to this guy, maker of my two favorite kids (thus far).
And while I'm here, Rachel had another Dr. appointment yesterday, and sadly, this was the first time she went alone. So everyone in the waiting room was probably judging and assuming that the bun in the oven was the result of shots and bad decisions rather than love and a bitchin' marriage, and for that, I apologize. All is proceeding as planned, other than the glucose test being delayed until today because the nurse who draws blood was off yesterday (there's only one?). Rachel's uterus is the size of a soccer ball, which for some reason kind of freaks me out. But not as much as that fact that "placenta" means pancake in Latin. Enjoy your breakfast!
And while I'm here, Rachel had another Dr. appointment yesterday, and sadly, this was the first time she went alone. So everyone in the waiting room was probably judging and assuming that the bun in the oven was the result of shots and bad decisions rather than love and a bitchin' marriage, and for that, I apologize. All is proceeding as planned, other than the glucose test being delayed until today because the nurse who draws blood was off yesterday (there's only one?). Rachel's uterus is the size of a soccer ball, which for some reason kind of freaks me out. But not as much as that fact that "placenta" means pancake in Latin. Enjoy your breakfast!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Lyla, Part II
So Lyla was born yesterday a little after 2 pm, and by 8 pm Rachel was holding her and hogging all of the baby time while the new parents sat there and politely acted like they didn't mind Rachel grabbing the kid for a few hours. In between birth and Rachel's smothering, Lyla was passed amongst doctors, nurses, her mom and dad, grandparents and friends, all within the first 6 hours of her life. Seems like entering the world would be traumatic enough, without being constantly shuffled amongst people with various degrees of baby-holding skill. To me, it would seem important to let the kid bond with the parents for a while.
So when Zia arrives we will of course let everyone hold him or her, but a 3 day waiting period seems reasonable, right?
So when Zia arrives we will of course let everyone hold him or her, but a 3 day waiting period seems reasonable, right?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Contributing to the Overpopulation Problem
Congrats to Drew and Jaclyn on the birth of their daughter Lyla Kathryn today. Rachel pulled an Aunt Sandy and wouldn't put the kid down. Security was called. Quite a scene.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What is all this crap?
The Baby Registry process isn't easy. To me, it's like socially acceptable begging. The overwhelming part of registering as new parents is that baby items fall into one of two categories. 1) Things you have no idea if you need (or even what they are sometimes) or 2) things that you know you need, but have no idea to differentiate between the thousand different options.
As to the first category, the problem is both the sheer volume of baby products, multiplied by our fear of not getting the right stuff. How the heck would we know if we need a harness system to hang our kid from if we have to go to the bathroom in a public place? Or will we be able, as inexperienced as we are, be able to suck our kids snot on our own or will we need assistance? It's tough to know what situations you will find yourself in. The one thing we have going for us is the large number of currently pregnant women we know, which allows us to cheat and copy off of their registry lists. The only flaw in this plan is that only first time parents have showers (except for strange exceptions that cause certain members of my family to fly into uncontrollable rages, but even then the greedy shower-mongers usually don't register the second time around). So it's a giant loop of the blind leading the unprepared, with the only winners being the people smart enough to make baby crap and sell it at a 4,000% mark up.
As to the second category, even if you know what you need, it's not easy to register for. Rachel and I, having read all of the baby books ever written, realized that it might be a good idea to register for baby bottles. So trudging through Babies R Us, or "The 7th Circle of Hell" as it is more commonly called by guys, I was pretty confident that we could find the bottle section, scan a random bar code, and move on. Little did I know that it would be a 4 hour debate. I knew I was in trouble when Rachel asked "which bottles do you think are best?" Unfortunately, I had a tough time remembering back to the time when I used bottles, let alone the pro's and con's of different brands. So we started reading the labels, which is a complete waste of time because although our country allegedly has truth in advertising laws, there must be a loophole for baby products as every single description made it sound as if said bottle descended straight from baby Jesus' mouth right to aisle 7. I was really hoping for labels that were truthful, such as "this bottle is overpriced crap that will break the first time its dropped" or "putting this bottle in the microwave may cause leprosy". Since our philosophy is "if it's not dishwasher safe, it's dirty" we really didn't have much to go on. (RIP Mitch Hedberg). So then we were stuck with trying to register for a bottle among a sea of seemingly identical bottles based solely on price. You don't want to register for the cheap stuff because other people will buy it for you, but you don't want to register for the most expensive stuff because other people will buy it for you, but you don't want to make it look like you and your kid are snobs based on bottle selection.
So what did we register for? I have no idea, but it better be dishwasher safe.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Math
Math so simple, even my sister can do it without her fingers, toes, and a ten key:
Pregnancy is 40 weeks. There are 4 weeks in a month. So why does everyone say pregnancy is 9 months? This is right up there with "I could care less" in my book.
Pregnancy is 40 weeks. There are 4 weeks in a month. So why does everyone say pregnancy is 9 months? This is right up there with "I could care less" in my book.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Beauty of Childbirth
A lady I work with just became a grandma for the first time. Her son and his baby mama put together a nice little photo book for her to remember the momentous occasion. So, knowing that I will be a dad soon, and because I am 100% incapable of sending out the "I don't care, stop talking to me" vibes regardless of how hard I try, she stopped by my office to show me the pictures and tell me all of the details of her visit. Looking at the little album, with all sorts of precious little lambs and rabbits on the cover, I started thinking that this would be a nice, heartwarming gift for Zia's grandparents when the time is right. But then I made the mistake of opening the album, and was shocked to see the horror that awaited for me. First picture, in gory HD detail, was the kid, fresh out of the womb, covered in blood and countless other unidentifiable body fluids. Turns out the beauty that is childbirth is really, really disgusting.
Now, granted everyone is different, and perhaps I do tend to be more averse to bodily fluids than most, but I can't really ever think of a time when one human is excited to see another human's blood. Especially when you don't know whose blood it is. Was that kid covered in his own blood, his mom's blood, or perhaps the dad was like I'll be and was retching violently and got some on the kid.... who knows, but more importantly, who really wants to try to figure that out? Nothing is photogenic when covered in a blood / snot mixture. Just sayin'...
So here's a little tip for you new parents: no one wants to see your kid until after he or she has been hosed down and toweled off. And even then most people don't care about your kid and are just being polite, so if you must, show the pictures of a clean kid in a little hat and blanket, and move on.
And continuing the nastiness that is the most beautiful thing in the world, according to the latest book I skimmed, my dear wife may experience any of these joyful signs of pregnancy during this week 23:
pain and numbness in the hands
pins and needles
clumsiness (not that it could be any worse than usual)
baby kicking (which sounds nice, but really, who wants their organs kicked from the inside?)
leg cramps
rectal bleeding and hemorrhoids
itchy abdomen
protruding navel
clogged milk ducts
preeclampsia or toxemia (no idea but doesn't sound fun)
and the worst, most painful part of the whole ordeal, childbirth classes.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Are you the goddess?
This weekend we were talking and realized that soon, we’re going to have a person on this earth who thinks that we are the end all, be all in terms of knowledge and authority (at least until the teen years). This is scary because clearly we have no idea what we are doing, and rarely have plans. And in fact, we find ourselves in this predicament solely from our “do what feels good” stance. Clearly that is not a mantra we can instill to Zia during the formative years.
This conversation was an indirect result of the following video (go ahead and watch, I’ll wait….). While obviously these people were not what most would consider “sane” or “normal” or “datable”, it reinforces the underlying theory that 1) everyone THINKS they are normal, rational beings and 2) things you think are fine at some points in your life were clearly absurd in hindsight. So how can we, being brand new to this whole thing, confidently take a stand on anything parenting related? Will our decisions in hindsight be as brilliant as Maurice’s decision to open with “I’m an executive by day and a wild man by night” or that chach asking “are you the goddess”? How can I expect my child to take me seriously once she finds out that I once went to a Limp Bizkit concert?
We tried to make ourselves feel better by hypothesizing that perhaps you get smarter with age, and now that we are all growed up we will have all the answers. This brief moment of confidence was shattered when Rachel reminded me that I drove to Tiffin, Ohio to jump in a frozen pond 3 weeks ago.
We tried to make ourselves feel better by hypothesizing that perhaps you get smarter with age, and now that we are all growed up we will have all the answers. This brief moment of confidence was shattered when Rachel reminded me that I drove to Tiffin, Ohio to jump in a frozen pond 3 weeks ago.
Maybe it will all come together in the next 4 months. But for now, our plan is to just ACT like we know what we are doing. When our kid eventually starts questioning us, we’ll just throw out the battle-tested “because I said so, that’s why”. Let's just hope Zia blindly accepts that as we did.
And in case you were interested in an actual baby update: Our little alien has been very active lately, with Rachel feeling movements for a week or so now. I asked what it feels like, and all she could say was that “it’s unlike anything I have ever felt before” which was really helpful in establishing yet again that this is her first pregnancy. After many disappointing attempts, I think I was finally able to feel some movement myself the other day. I'm not entirely sure Rachel wasn't just making her stomach move to make me feel better, so I either got to feel my kid move for the first time or yet again pretended to be fooled by my wife's faking. Either way. We don’t have another doctor’s appointment for a while, and I am skipping this one, as the Grandma’s are accompanying Rachel so that they can hear Zia’s heartbeat. However, I think they really picked a bad appointment to attend, as Rachel is doing the gestational diabetes test, which will make her cranky because it is an hour long and she is not allowed to smoke during the test. I’m not sure who this doctor thinks he is expecting a pregnant woman to go an entire hour without lighting up and enjoying the cool, crisp sensation that is flavor country, but I’ll be glad to be far away on that one.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Home Improvement
Unfortunately, Rachel and I have both been under the weather recently, so we haven't made much progress on getting ready for Zia. The issue is that we (and by "we" I mean "me") are huge babies when we are sick. And maybe it is the vicious Sheen-like cycle of DayQuil / NyQuil, but all I can do when I am sick is think about the following 6 things on a loop: how much I hate being sick, how much I love NyQuil, how much I hate phlegm, how is it that a can of Cambell's chicken noodle soup is half the size it was when I was a kid yet cost 4 times as much, how much worse work is when you are sick, and how "phlegm" is probably the greatest hangman word ever. So, not very productive lately.
But we have both turned the proverbial corner, so although it's not quite time to be productive, it's time to start thinking about being productive. What we really need to do is get Zia's room ready. Luckily for us, we have a lot of offers for help from our family, so that is good. The offers for help greatly outweigh the amount of work that needs to be done for a baby's room, so we are trying to leverage the offers into general home improvement projects. The only hard part will be convince our helpers that the projects we have are actually part of baby preparations. Not quite sure why having a kid means we need to reseal the driveway, but we are going to try anyway.
We feel so lucky to have people offer to help, but I gotta admit I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm so inadequate in basic home improvement projects. With two carpenters and a roofer on our two man crew, I feel really ridiculous when I'm asked to get a socket wrench and come back with a fork. But, I have learned the most important home improvement skill, and that is the ability to size up any project, shake your head slowly and say "whoever did this had NO IDEA what they were doing.... this is all wrong!" I've spent the last few days looking disgustedly at random things in our house and grumbling about the workmanship of whoever it was who did that, so hopefully at least I have saved some time for when the help arrives. Step 1 - accomplished.
With not knowing the sex of our kid, we're not quite sure how to decorate. Is it too much to ask for something awesome like this? If only we knew someone so talented....
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A new addition to the long list of things I shouldn't have said...
As we were getting ready for bed last night: "Wow Rachel, you're not even a mom yet, but you skipped an entire generation in underpants".
The rule of 7 only works if you use it!
The rule of 7 only works if you use it!
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Picture's Worth a Few Words
So we're back from 20 week appointment, and other than me having "Livin' on a Prayer" stuck in my head all day, since we are indeed halfway there, all is well. Zia is starting to look less like a baby bird and more like an alien, which I think is normal.
We did learn today that our doctors' office had a very strange problem. Apparently every morning when the nurses would come to work to open up the office, there would be a few people laying on the floor with major injuries, having waited through the night for the doctors and nurses to arrive so they could be treated. But the doctor, being the ingenious fellow that he is, found a way to solve this problem:
Since the sign went up, the hallway carnage has ceased.
Also, we really didn't want to learn the sex of the baby, but the Doc had a screw up, and we not only learned the sex of the baby, but we found out that he thinks the nurse is foxy.
Rachel thinks that is a really an arm, but I think the little guy's proportions take after his old man. ***
***(Ok, Rachel is making me add a post script to clarify that that we don't in fact know the sex of the baby and that is indeed an arm.)
We did learn today that our doctors' office had a very strange problem. Apparently every morning when the nurses would come to work to open up the office, there would be a few people laying on the floor with major injuries, having waited through the night for the doctors and nurses to arrive so they could be treated. But the doctor, being the ingenious fellow that he is, found a way to solve this problem:
Also, we really didn't want to learn the sex of the baby, but the Doc had a screw up, and we not only learned the sex of the baby, but we found out that he thinks the nurse is foxy.
Rachel thinks that is a really an arm, but I think the little guy's proportions take after his old man. ***
***(Ok, Rachel is making me add a post script to clarify that that we don't in fact know the sex of the baby and that is indeed an arm.)
Friday, February 25, 2011
And now a word from an experienced parent...
As if I wasn't scared enough about being a parent, every now and again I'll get little blurbs like this sent to me:
"Once you have 2 kids, you will NEVER sleep again. Think carefully about this before you decide to have a second. My proof – Kid 2 has now slept through the night the last 3 nights in a row. After 9.5 months, this is very, very, very exciting news. Except guess who has decided to wake up in the middle of the night the last 3 nights just to torture me? (Kid 1). The first 2 nights she had nightmares and it was sad b/c she was so scared so it took awhile to calm her down and get her back to sleep so I don’t mind being there for her. Last night however, she woke up because she wanted water. And then she woke up because she wanted to call Uncle 1. The next time, it was to call Uncle 2. And the next time, it was because she DIDN’T want a banana for breakfast. If you decide to have 2, you can never say I didn’t warn you."
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Random Thought
Rachel is sick and I have been working a ton still so not much to report on the baby front. The big 20 week appointment is Monday. Hope we don't accidentally see genitals on the ultrasound!
I used to think that without a doubt, if given one superpower, I would choose invisibility. But if given the choice now, I think I would take the ability to make my dog crap on command. Invisibility wouldn't stop me from getting pelted with frozen rain (or as some people call it, "snow") while Karl sniffs every square inch of yard we have 7 times before finding the ideal spot. And he has also taken up the habit of peeing in the snow, sniffing around somewhere else, then coming back to the spot he just peed in and sniffing it inquisitively. Either he has the shortest memory on earth or is fascinated by the smell of his own urine (and it's not like we feed him asparagus). I mention this, because although Karl is kind of disgusting, at least he does all of this outside... I'm pretty sure I won't be allowed to take Zia to the back yard every time I think she has to go.
I used to think that without a doubt, if given one superpower, I would choose invisibility. But if given the choice now, I think I would take the ability to make my dog crap on command. Invisibility wouldn't stop me from getting pelted with frozen rain (or as some people call it, "snow") while Karl sniffs every square inch of yard we have 7 times before finding the ideal spot. And he has also taken up the habit of peeing in the snow, sniffing around somewhere else, then coming back to the spot he just peed in and sniffing it inquisitively. Either he has the shortest memory on earth or is fascinated by the smell of his own urine (and it's not like we feed him asparagus). I mention this, because although Karl is kind of disgusting, at least he does all of this outside... I'm pretty sure I won't be allowed to take Zia to the back yard every time I think she has to go.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Where Have All the Weekends Gone?
Ladies, ladies, ladies, you know I love you, but you are insane. All of you. The “shower” thing has gotten out of control. I was hoping this weekend to spend a little QT with Rachel, since I haven’t gotten to hang out too much lately, but of course the weekend is dominated by showers. Wedding shower today, baby shower tomorrow. And we know at least 8 other people expecting a kid and two more upcoming weddings. So that means that at a minimum, on 10 of our weekend days before Zia comes in twenty weeks, Rachel will have to go to a shower, while I am forced to take one for the team and nap, read, and watch sports. (This count of 10 assumes that none of my currently non-pregnant cousins will get pregnant in the next 5 minutes, which is like assuming the sun won’t rise tomorrow.) And that is not even counting Zia’s shower, which of course will break the mold and be the most fun thing ever so be sure to come and bring lots of expensive gifts.
And it seems like if by some miracle there is not a shower to be had, one of Rachel’s friends will have a candle party. The candle parties are impressive because I’m fairly certain no one has ever wanted to go to one, yet they continue to happen. Candle parties seem like a really dangerous way for the “host” to get $15 in free crap. I just wish you ladies were more honest in your invitations: “Hello friends, please come to my house for some high pressure sales tactics which we try to mask by a glass of free wine. I will guilt you into buying a $45 candle that costs $15 at a normal store and is really worth $2 so I myself can snake a similar free, overpriced candle. All I need to do is clean my house, pick up a veggie tray from Giant Eagle, and hope you don’t end up hating me for guilting you in to coming. But I value our friendship so little that I am willing to take this chance of alienating you because this vanilla scented candle means oh so much to me!”
I guess I shouldn’t complain, because obviously Rachel is the one with no free time due to these showers. Maybe these things are fun for women, I have no idea, but it just seems a bit excessive to me. I mean, I work with people who take actual showers less often than Rachel is at a shower for someone. And I have heard complaints before from women about the fact that they have to buy yet another present just because someone else had sex. But I will say this, if any of our friends invites me to a couples shower, we are no longer friends. No hard feelings, it’s just time that I start seeing other friends. Friends where the guy has retrieved his testicles from the mason jar in the garage and told his wife in no uncertain terms that he is not having a couples shower because his friends will hate him.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Germans and the Hoff
So when logging into this site, I can see a little run down of exactly how many times my mom has checked this site for updates each day. It also shows all sorts of other little interesting tidbits about those who stumble upon this little waste of cyberspace, such as the country where the traffic is coming from. Today was the first visitor from Germany.... there have been two recent references to David Hasslehoff here.... Coincidence?!?!?!?!?
So Aloha German Amigo, whoever you are. I too love the Hoff.
And Happy Valentines Day to all! We're at week 18 and going strong.
So Aloha German Amigo, whoever you are. I too love the Hoff.
And Happy Valentines Day to all! We're at week 18 and going strong.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Where My Monks At?
Last night, we decided it has been way too long since we heard incessant coughing and were surround by the sweet smell of moth balls, so we went to church this morning. Not sure how it happens, but every single time I go to church, I'm always sitting directly in front of the lady with the highest falsetto voice and the most enthusiasm. Look lady, I'm sorry that your Broadway dreams never worked out, but judging by your choice in hats, it must have been over 50 years ago, so you really need to give up the dream and sing with a bit of modesty.
Other than the crowd, the mass wasn't that bad. So what if the guy playing the organ had the rhythm of a drunken manatee? The priest really had a good homily, with a zinger of a metaphor about a pay phone. Really reached out to the youngsters on that one. We also learned that the church is trying to raise $100,000 for new stained glass windows to replace what appear to be completely functioning stained glass windows. Then we heard how the poor of our community are in need, and our faith requires that we do everything we can to help them. So I said we should keep the current stained glass windows and take all the money that was already raised, as well as whatever money we could get by selling the floor-to-ceiling marble that runs the length of the church, and sell all the gold cups, bowls, plaques, etc. and give all of that money to the poor, because I'm pretty sure God would be ok with drywall and plastic cups, especially if we used the money to help the poor, because after all, it is required by our faith. But apparently it wasn't suggestion time... Anyone want to buy a raffle ticket to help raise money for new stained glass windows?
(And for those with Celiac disease, watch out, Jesus is made of gluten.)
But anyway, after living here for 5 years, and despite what our tax return says, we are officially registered with the church now (and have the eco-friendly tote-bag from the 'Welcoming Committee' to prove it), so Zia will at least be able to be baptized. We are also currently accepting God Parent applications. Please submit your application, biography, and $75 application fee at the earliest convenience.
And I know some of you may be shocked that someone actually thinks the church has a hard time relating to the youth, and you are right, I was completely wrong. My comment about the pay phone was out of line. While filling out forms to register with the church, I saw the following picture:
This has EVERYTHING kids are interested in today: a psychedelic tie-dye Spirograph design, polite hygiene commands, AND Dr Phil. Never mind the fact that this picture was no where near a sink, it clearly shows that the church knows what is hip and happening.
Other than the crowd, the mass wasn't that bad. So what if the guy playing the organ had the rhythm of a drunken manatee? The priest really had a good homily, with a zinger of a metaphor about a pay phone. Really reached out to the youngsters on that one. We also learned that the church is trying to raise $100,000 for new stained glass windows to replace what appear to be completely functioning stained glass windows. Then we heard how the poor of our community are in need, and our faith requires that we do everything we can to help them. So I said we should keep the current stained glass windows and take all the money that was already raised, as well as whatever money we could get by selling the floor-to-ceiling marble that runs the length of the church, and sell all the gold cups, bowls, plaques, etc. and give all of that money to the poor, because I'm pretty sure God would be ok with drywall and plastic cups, especially if we used the money to help the poor, because after all, it is required by our faith. But apparently it wasn't suggestion time... Anyone want to buy a raffle ticket to help raise money for new stained glass windows?
(And for those with Celiac disease, watch out, Jesus is made of gluten.)
But anyway, after living here for 5 years, and despite what our tax return says, we are officially registered with the church now (and have the eco-friendly tote-bag from the 'Welcoming Committee' to prove it), so Zia will at least be able to be baptized. We are also currently accepting God Parent applications. Please submit your application, biography, and $75 application fee at the earliest convenience.
And I know some of you may be shocked that someone actually thinks the church has a hard time relating to the youth, and you are right, I was completely wrong. My comment about the pay phone was out of line. While filling out forms to register with the church, I saw the following picture:
This has EVERYTHING kids are interested in today: a psychedelic tie-dye Spirograph design, polite hygiene commands, AND Dr Phil. Never mind the fact that this picture was no where near a sink, it clearly shows that the church knows what is hip and happening.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Domination
Getting owned at work lately. Hope to have an update soon. No news is good news, right?
Looks like most people think Zia will be a boy. Leading name suggestions are 1) Ted 2) Reggie and 3) Hasslehoff
Looks like most people think Zia will be a boy. Leading name suggestions are 1) Ted 2) Reggie and 3) Hasslehoff
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Name Game
I am great at naming pets, not so good at naming children. We spent last night coming up with an "official" list of names that we like. Despite me bringing it up constantly (or perhaps because I bring it up constantly), Rachel won't budge from her "there is no way in hell I am naming my child 'Zia' stance". My fallback plan was going to be to wait until Rachel was heavily sedated from the epidural to try to convince her that Zia is a great name, but looks like she won't be getting an epidural. It's not that she is a hippie who wants to "feel the entire experience of childbirth Brah!", but her back surgery as a child means the epidural probably wouldn't even work. So we're going all-natural. That means we'll have to reach agreement on a name while we are both of sound mind, which really turns the difficulty of picking a name up to 11.
Thus, we are stuck reading baby name books and trying to find something that won't traumatize our poor kid for the rest of his or her life. We made the mistake early of telling people some names we liked, which is always a bad because everyone has an opinion on potential names, and that opinion is always "that name is stupid." My family is big on not crossing nationalities. Since my side is not Italian, we're apparently not allowed to name our child any name that an Italian has ever had. Her side is better at name criticism, but not so good at hiding the disgusted eye rolls when we say we want to name our kid after a muppet. But I must say that the worst of the lot is my friends, who would make the meanest grade school kids ever. It's actually a bit impressive how quickly they can come up with name-based insults. From Smelly Kelly to Nater Nater Masterbater, they had a juvenile insult for every name we gave them.
The other problem is that a large percentage of the names we like are really popular these days. And while we don't want the name to be as unique as mine, we also don't want our kid to be one of 7 Lucas' at their school. We're also worried, like most parents I assume, that someone could come along and ruin a name after we pick it. I mean, you have to feel bad for all the Adolph's born in 1888 or the Mylie's born before 1992... But since no one can predict who will ruin a name (or a mustache) in the future, maybe the best thing is to pick a common name. So, if anyone has suggestions for a common, but not too common, name that can't be rhymed with any reproductive organs, snot, masturbation or phlegm, please let me know. We are officially taking suggestions.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Going International...
If you google Waitingforzia, this is one of the links that pops up:
http://ja-jp.facebook.com/pages/waitingforzia/137494552977721
So this one's for you folks:
如果你是一塊衛生紙，然後用來擦拭某人的鼻子，你要考慮自己幸運，對不對?
And why is zebrahead so popular over there?
http://ja-jp.facebook.com/pages/waitingforzia/137494552977721
So this one's for you folks:
如果你是一塊衛生紙，然後用來擦拭某人的鼻子，你要考慮自己幸運，對不對?
And why is zebrahead so popular over there?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Second Most Disturbing Thing I Have Ever Seen (to date)
So today was appointment #4. Very boring, which is a good thing. No ultrasound, but we did get to hear the heartbeat again. The heartbeat is a lot faster than I expected, but completely normal. Given the precision and rhythm of the beat, I'm no longer entirely sure it is my child. But anyway, while waiting for the doctor I saw a lovely little chart of concentric circles.... which was fine until I realized what it was. Ten centimeters.... holy hell!
I sort of don't believe ten centimeters is possible, but I REALLY don't want to find out.
(most disturbing thing I have ever seen? Easily 6th grade health class, where we had to watch the "Miracle of Life". Our normal teacher was smarter than we gave her credit for, as she was conveniently absent the day this film was to be shown. So this poor substitute teacher got to come in out of the blue and "supervise" while a bunch of twelve year old were subjected to the unedited "beauty" that is natural childbirth. The sub just went to the back of the room and pretended to read a magazine, not even attempting to quiet our shrieks of shock and horror, so it was pretty much a free for all the whole time. So right after the birth scene, a certain kid, let's just call him "Frankie P", went up to the VCR and hit the rewind button. So we all had to witness a video of child birth, then immediately a video of child birth IN REVERSE. Watching the doctor shove that baby into that poor lady, even if she was 10 centimeters, easily the worst thing I have ever seen).
I sort of don't believe ten centimeters is possible, but I REALLY don't want to find out.
(most disturbing thing I have ever seen? Easily 6th grade health class, where we had to watch the "Miracle of Life". Our normal teacher was smarter than we gave her credit for, as she was conveniently absent the day this film was to be shown. So this poor substitute teacher got to come in out of the blue and "supervise" while a bunch of twelve year old were subjected to the unedited "beauty" that is natural childbirth. The sub just went to the back of the room and pretended to read a magazine, not even attempting to quiet our shrieks of shock and horror, so it was pretty much a free for all the whole time. So right after the birth scene, a certain kid, let's just call him "Frankie P", went up to the VCR and hit the rewind button. So we all had to witness a video of child birth, then immediately a video of child birth IN REVERSE. Watching the doctor shove that baby into that poor lady, even if she was 10 centimeters, easily the worst thing I have ever seen).
Monday, January 24, 2011
Anniversary
Happy "1 year without gluten" anniversary to the twins!
Much like I gave my niece her first Dr. Pepper and package of fun dip, thus cementing my status as "favorite person ever", I think I will win the love of Zia by giving her her first piece of bread after 9+ months of no gluten.
But anyway, nice job girls, your dedication is impressive.
Much like I gave my niece her first Dr. Pepper and package of fun dip, thus cementing my status as "favorite person ever", I think I will win the love of Zia by giving her her first piece of bread after 9+ months of no gluten.
But anyway, nice job girls, your dedication is impressive.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Class
In an effort to ease us into not having any free time, Rachel has signed us up for a slew of classes to prepare us for the baby. These classes take up just about every waking hour over the next few months. It's not that I don't want to go to any of these classes being offered, it's just that I don't want to go to ALL of the classes being offered. And while I understand the concept of moral support, I'm just not sure there is much for me to do at "The Joy of Breastfeeding" other than make inappropriate comments and get myself in trouble.
I'm also hesitant to go because I really don't think they will be able to teach me much (aside for the joy that is breastfeeding of course.) I have changed a handful of diapers in my day, including my niece's world record 4 stomach-turning #2's in 7 minutes a year ago. I've feed babies, burped babies, etc. etc. I'm not an expert by any means, don't get me wrong. But I just fear that the classes will be as absurd as all of the baby books I pretend to read while I wait for Rachel to fall asleep before I go back to Rolling Stone. From what I have skimmed, all you need to do if you are pregnant to ensure a healthy baby is 1) consume your metric body weight in folic acid twice a day 2) stop drinking and smoking crack and 3) make your husband do more around the house.
Since Rachel has been tired quite a bit from pregnancy, I've been trying to help around the house more. And believe it or not, I actually knew that smoking crack was bad for developing babies before skimming the books. So without any prior training, I already knew 2 of the 3 things that you need to know to ensure a healthy baby. That being the case, what are these classes going to be able to teach me? Oh, you're not supposed to put your child in the dishwasher? Thank god you told me!!!!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Maternity Pants
Belly bands, you worked wonders for, oh, I don't know, about 2 weeks, but now it's time to bring out the heavy artillery. That's right, we've now graduated into maternity pants! I think they should market maternity pants to fat guys as well. Nothing worse than seeing a fat guy with his pants belted up under his giant belly, with gut hanging all over the place. No one wants to see that. So maternity pants for guys. (This message brought to you by Rex Ryan and the New York Jets).
And since I have nothing interesting to say, I'll just pass along a brief exchange with Rachel:
Me: You can't just go to bed at 6 pm when we have people over... you're pregnant, not rude.
Rachel: I'm both!
So there you go, pregnant AND rude. Lucky me!
And since I have nothing interesting to say, I'll just pass along a brief exchange with Rachel:
Me: You can't just go to bed at 6 pm when we have people over... you're pregnant, not rude.
Rachel: I'm both!
So there you go, pregnant AND rude. Lucky me!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Spilling the Beans
To say Rachel had a bit of a "baby fever" is like saying Michael Jackson had a bit of the "crazy". Because of this, she took about a million pregnancy tests. EPT's record third quarter sales are pretty much the result of Rachel peeing on so many sticks. Because she was taking tests often, we knew she was pregnant approximately 11 seconds after conception (which was ironically the same amount of time conception took, but that's not really a story for a family blog).
Pretty much all of the pregnancy books recommend waiting until the end of the first trimester (Spanish for "three mesters") before telling people you are pregnant. Since Rachel knew was pregnant so early in the process, we had to wait a little longer than most couples to tell everyone, which got to be difficult. We found out Nov 9, so we had to get through the Thanksgiving holidays without spilling the beans, which was unfortunate because there tends to be a lot of drinking events during this time of the year. This put Rachel, like countless pregnant broads before her, in the un-enviable position of not only being sober around a bunch of drunk people, but also of having to lie to her friends. This works out ok for a little while, but eventually your friends start to get suspicious.
(quick side story, my favorite part about this time of our pregnancy was the time Rachel couldn't think of an excuse why she was not going out, so Sarah just told everyone that Rachel is lame, and her friends all blindly accepted that as the truth without suspicion. Don't worry Rachel, no one suspects anything, they just think you are a loser!)
And really ladies, although you may think you are fooling people by drinking cranberry juice and pretending there is vodka in there, you really aren't fooling anyone. Why do you think all of your cheap friends were suddenly offering to buy you drinks? The problem is once the suspicion has been cast, people will go out of their way to get you to admit that you're pregnant. So I came up with what I thought was a pretty good system for avoiding the suspicion of pregnancy. Pretty simple, just tell people the mother-to-be is on anti-biotics for an embarrassing personal problem. "Thanks, really, I'm sure she'd love to do a grape bomb, but she can't. Yeah, antibiotics.... killer UTI infection. Raging. Festering actually. Yeah, awful. Her doctor actually threw up a little when he saw it."
Hey, at least the questions will stop... Just be sure to get agreement from your wife before you start this approach. Lesson learned.
Anyway, we're both glad we could finally spill the beans! The number of times I almost slipped was staggering, but Rachel had made it clear that if I told anymore before it was time, little Zia would be growing up without a baby daddy.
Next Dr. appointment has been postponed until Wednesday, as the Doctor had a scheduling conflict (I told you he was cocky!).
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