The Beauty of Childbirth

A lady I work with just became a grandma for the first time.   Her son and his baby mama put together a nice little photo book for her to remember the momentous occasion.  So, knowing that I will be a dad soon, and because I am 100% incapable of sending out the "I don't care, stop talking to me" vibes regardless of how hard I try, she stopped by my office to show me the pictures and tell me all of the details of her visit.  Looking at the little album, with all sorts of precious little lambs and rabbits on the cover, I started thinking that this would be a nice, heartwarming gift for Zia's grandparents when the time is right. But then I made the mistake of opening the album, and was shocked to see the horror that awaited for me.  First picture, in gory HD detail, was the kid, fresh out of the womb, covered in blood and countless other unidentifiable body fluids. Turns out the beauty that is childbirth is really, really disgusting.

Now, granted everyone is different, and perhaps I do tend to be more averse to bodily fluids than most, but I can't really ever think of a time when one human is excited to see another human's blood.  Especially when you don't know whose blood it is.  Was that kid covered in his own blood, his mom's blood, or perhaps the dad was like I'll be and was retching violently and got some on the kid.... who knows, but more importantly, who really wants to try to figure that out?  Nothing is photogenic when covered in a blood / snot mixture.  Just sayin'...                                                                                     

So here's a little tip for you new parents: no one wants to see your kid until after he or she has been hosed down and toweled off.  And even then most people don't care about your kid and are just being polite, so if you must, show the pictures of a clean kid in a little hat and blanket, and move on.                                                                                     

And continuing the nastiness that is the most beautiful thing in the world, according to the latest book I skimmed, my dear wife may experience any of these joyful signs of pregnancy during this week 23:

pain and numbness in the hands

pins and needles

clumsiness (not that it could be any worse than usual)

baby kicking (which sounds nice, but really, who wants their organs kicked from the inside?)

leg cramps

rectal bleeding and hemorrhoids

itchy abdomen

protruding navel

clogged milk ducts

preeclampsia or toxemia (no idea but doesn't sound fun)

and the worst, most painful part of the whole ordeal, childbirth classes.