Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tips For Guys Who Are New At This

When people find out your wife is pregnant and say congratulations, apparently it is NOT funny to say "Thanks, I just hope its mine".... especially if you are meeting these people for the first time.  The more you know.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Things Actually Said in Breastfeeding Class

So breastfeeding class is over, meaning we are now done with all classes and apparently ready to raise a kid.  I'm not sure if we just had a really bad teacher or what, but this class was pretty awful from start to finish.  Roughly 75% of the time was product placement ("We recommend Ameda breast pumps", "Did you know you can purchase your very own Ameda breast pump for 10% off if you buy today?" and "Ameda breast pumps have been clinically proven to cure rickets"), 15% of the time was spent passing around nipple shields, nursing bras and ointments of various color, and the remaining 10% of the time was spent watching really detailed animations of how the Adema breast pumps work and why they are superior to all other pumps. I always thought that the actual birth would be the biggest strain on Rachel's body, but after seeing those videos I thank my lucky stars that I am unable to lactate.  Never knew nipples were so elastic!

(Also, was it racist that when passing out baby dolls to each mother-to-be, the teacher made a special trip to the baby closet to ensure that the one black couple in class got a black doll?  I say yes.)

I think the real problem is that you can learn as much as possible about breastfeeding in a classroom environment in about 6 minutes, yet the class was extended out to 2.5 hours (literally) to justify the enrollment fee.  This caused the teacher to tell random stories about her personal life unrelated to breastfeeding and generally babble aimlessly.  And even when she actually attempted to talk about breastfeeding, she would say confusing things like "Grab your your breast like you would a sandwich" and "be sure to position your child to the southwest quadrant."

So really, we're just hoping that instincts kick in, because I feel even less prepared for breastfeeding than I did before class. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Great Unknowns

Ten things I hope I'll never have to explain to Zia (in no particular order):

1) Why it's colder on the top of mountains. If you can get sunburned at low elevations, how can it possibly be colder the closer you get to the heat source that burns you at sea level?  Thin air, schmin air, that makes no sense.

4) Why there are 7 girls in your class named "Nevaeh", and why none of their moms can drink legally.

10) The Black Eyed Peas.

3) Why old people are so concerned with the weather.

7) How you were conceived.

9) What would happen if our neighbor somehow DIDN'T cut his grass every 3 days.

2) Calculus.

8) How U.S. soldiers can be stationed in foreign countries and be getting killed every day, yet we are not at war because "Combat Operations" are over

6) Who Tyler Perry is and why he has 57 TV shows.

5) How I got your mom to go out with me in the first place (rhymes with "begging constantly"). 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

... Like it's hot

Zia is sitting noticeably lower today. Either gravity is stronger than usual lately, or the kid has dropped. We noticed this because Rachel's knees now bump her belly when she walks up steps. Makes sense I guess, as Zia is now the size of a watermelon. (speaking of, Rachel would the Kobayashi of a watermelon eating contest. She ate a watermelon the size of a Volkswagon in 4 minutes the other day.)

Also, the people at Babies R Us must think we are planning a really boring yet profitable heist because we frequently go into the store and take pictures of certain items, then leave without buying said items, but really we are just trying to figure exactly where we went wrong in the assembly process.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Premature Celebration

Much like the Miami Heat, I was guilty of premature celebration in terms of getting Zia's room ready.  A while back I was strutting around like The Ladies' Man because I finished painting, not realizing that getting a room painted and all the paint out of my cornea was only step 1 of about 400 in terms of actually completing the room.

But, I think today, we are really, finally, 100% close to almost being done.  We received some bitchin' paintings from the David Mills studio / Wall to Wall  paintworks that are now hanging above what will be the changing table, once I finally convince my work to just direct deposit my paycheck to Babies R Us to save time. (Dave is taking his talents to Austin later this summer, so I'll have an excuse to hit up ACL finally!)

Pay no attention to the Asian baby in the other picture frame.  Rachel assures me that our baby will indeed come out skinny, white and awkward, just like me.

Aside from the room, I have assembled just about every child's swing and stroller ever created.  Either the items we are receiving are getting progressively harder to assemble or I am getting dumber, because for the first few items, I used all the parts, but lately if I find a place for over 60% of the pieces, I consider it a win.  The most egregious example of my shoddy workmanship is the glider we have, where only 50% of the levers actually do anything.

 (the lever you see on the right is purely cosmetic)

Rachel is still feeling and looking great.  The doctor told us that even if she went into labor that day (which was last week), he wouldn't try to stop the pregnancy... I guess we are finally in the home stretch.  So really, Zia could be born at any time now.  That means that Rachel's water could break at any moment.  Knowing that she could accidentally pee her pants and blame it on her water breaking has given Rachel a bit of a swagger lately.

As for me, well, as usual I don't have anything witty or exciting to say.  I'm at a bit of a crossroads at work, having been offered a promotion I don't really want, with the alternative probably being that I won't have a job.  "Up or out" is kind of dumb if you ask me... I'm perfectly content hovering.  Rachel keeps telling me to find out what I want to do with my life, but unfortunately sitting around and playing with my kid doesn't pay that well.  Sorry, this is getting a little facebook-y.... so here's 2 other pictures of the room to distract you from my pensiveness:

Hope everyone is doing well!  One more month!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Real Letter to Zia

Dear Zia,

You are due in less than 6 weeks, and your mom and I wanted to take this opportunity to say hello and share with you some of our hopes and dreams for your life.  Too bad you can't read yet and don't get in-womb internet.... shoot, should have thought of that first.... oh well, here goes anyway.

Right now you are the size of a large cantaloupe, and we can't wait to watch you grow each and every day.  Your pregnancy has been surprisingly smooth for your mom... the worst things she's experienced so far have been when you sporadically decide to attack her rib cage and my awful jokes. But deep down, I think she enjoys them both.

We were extremely happy to find out that we were pregnant, and it was really tough keeping it a secret from our family for a few weeks.  Our lives have definitely changed since the pregnancy.  Now, when we stay home on the weekends, we have a built-in excuse and don't feel as lame as we once did.  Unlike most parents, we are not going to lie to you and pretend that we were once cool.  We never really were.  (Although if it were a contest, I was much cooler than your mom).  

It's tough to put into words how excited we are to meet you!  There will be a lot of crazy family members pawing at you once you are born, but we're confident that as you get to know everyone, you will love them as much as we do.  We won't spoil things for you by giving away too much, but your Aunt Alison is probably your best bet for a piece of gum.

It's crazy because we know virtually nothing about you or how you will turn out, but you are already our favorite human being in the world.  I hope you have your mom's looks, and my self confidence.  I hope you share her compassion for others, and my taste in music.  We hope you have your own dreams and desires, but share our goal to become the first potty-trained 5 month old in history.

We hope you have a thirst for knowledge and learning, and that this takes you to a reasonably-affordable college that offers a lot in the way of scholarships, grants, and financial aid.  We hope that you follow your heart when picking a career, but are wise enough to not be an English major. We hope you have a lot of diverse friends in your life, with whom you can share your passions, and one day hopefully be part of America's Best Dance Crew.

We hope that when you are old enough (mid 30's preferably), that you find someone to love and to share your life with.  Trust us, it's a lot easier when you can take turns freaking out and always have someone at least pretending to be calm.

We also apologize in advance for any shortcomings we may have in the way we raise you.  This is new to all of us, so let's just all agree to do our best, okay?  We will do everything we can to make your life rewarding and comfortable.  You can return the favor by trying to sleep during the night and peeing on us as infrequently as possible.

We hope you are as excited to meet us and we are to meet you!  We can't promise that we will always say or do the right things, but we can promise that we will always love you and try to do what's best for you.  The world is a crazy place at times, but there are joys and laughter to be had every day, and we can't wait to share them with you.

Mom and Dad

Letter to Zia


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Mime Preferences

Hello loyal followers! (yes, both of you).  Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but honestly, not much has been happening.  We have been continuing our classes, which mercifully are over now, except for the breastfeeding one sometime later in the month.

Shower #1 was a rousing success, so many thanks to all who came and especially those who helped plan and clean our house.  (Did you notice how clean the tops of our ceiling fan blades were?) We have pretty much dug out from underneath the mountain of presents we got, and most of the stuff has been assembled, including a swing that has more safety restraints than your average NASA shuttle.  I'm all for baby safety, but do we need 17 straps for a swing powered by 4 D batteries?

I was planning on providing more updates after each of the last two classes, but Rachel and I have been a little cranky after both of them, and I didn't want to spend 1,000 words on why I wanted to fight Dr. Ass and his wife.  (but I could have easily, and I did).  Dr. Ass and his wife got under my skin more than anyone ever has in my life, except of course the lady at the Passion of the Christ who kept asking who the guy wearing the thorns was.  At one point, Dr. Ass suggested that women start putting some strange substance on their naughty bits (can't recall specifically what it was) to help prepare for labor.  Then we went on a 10 minute break. When we  got back, we were informed that the substance suggested by Dr. Ass should actually never come into contact with human skin, let alone that specific spot.  Turns out he was confused and meant to say something else.  No harm, no foul, right?  Well, except for the two couples who left at break.  Here's praying for a speedy recovery Shannon and Tina!

The one class was a ridiculously confusing tour of the hospital, which reinforced my original two step plan of 1: bring pregnant wife into emergency room and 2: ask where to go.  Then last night's class was how to care for your child, which was helpful I guess (turns out shaking a baby is bad!), but did we really need to bathe a plastic baby with real water?  This might have been the one and only situation in my life where I would have preferred mime.  But hey, it's over.  We learned some things, we laughed at times, and we now no longer have to make small talk with our classmates, so win, win, win.

As for Zia (or Reggie), our lil' bastard is now the size of a pineapple at roughly 4.9 pounds, which made me realize that I had no idea how much a pineapple weighs.  Rachel is being a trooper as always, rarely complaining about anything, with the exception of me leaving my milk glasses in the living room, which is unrelated to pregnancy so we'll let that slide.

So, hope all is well with all of you folks.  We are less than 7 weeks away!